Middle Age and all that Jazz

As my birthday approaches each year, my heart fills with trepidation. Why does it have to appear so quickly every year? Not so long ago, birthdays were the most thrilling part of my life. Birthdays meant exciting stuff like gifts, friends, party, cake, the works. But now? The only thing it means is one more year added to that dreaded thing called age! And being subjected to lots of age-related jokes!

I think to myself - so what, if I’m on the wrong side of 30, I still feel young and alive! Yeah, I have a few silver strands. Yeah, when I smile at myself in the mirror I can see hints of crow’s feet . And yeah, I just can’t lose those stubborn kilos, but I say, BIG DEAL!!!

Nevertheless, here’s the truth - no matter how much I behave like an ostrich and rebel against my age, the fact is that I am advancing in years and quite rapidly so. And the more I look around, the more I see the same “I am so damn young and cool” attitude in all my similar-in-age friends. We are all in denial. Being privy to this “compulsion to be juvenile” phenomenon among my contemporaries, I have compiled “Roopa’s list of tell-tale signs of middle-age.” Here goes…

• You never give a straight answer when you are asked a simple question, “How old are you?” Your smart-alecky answer varies from “I am as young as I look” or “Never ask a man his wage and a woman her age” or “Take a guess” and smile mysteriously. Or sexily, depending on who has asked the question.
• You talk a great deal about sex and one’s sexual appetite, stamina, prowess, pursuits and conquests even if most of it is bullshit. TALKING is the key here!
• You tap your pot belly and say, “Ahhh sign of prosperity!” Well, I say, where’s the money, honey? Is your extended waistline the only sign of your prosperity?
• You have the hots for nubile youngsters and believe that they want mature, experienced lovers such as yourself cos you can teach them a thing or two.
• You make comments like “I must have an affair now!”, “I will sleep with the next hot-bod I see”. (Youngsters often do but don’t feel the need to make announcements)
• You wear outrageously short clingy / cleavage-revealing numbers even when your figure is not exactly to-die-for! And teaming it up with uncomfortable stilettos. And what’s with all that make-up! Girl, simple shorts and chappals would have been just fine.
• You discuss hair transplants, Botox, and tummy tucks.
• You keep checking the mirror to see how many silver strands you have, how much your hairline has receded or how wonderfully flat your stomach looks if you hold your breath.
• You may have developed a weakness / craving for sweets / chocolates / desserts. When invited for dinner, the dessert may interest you more than the main course.
• You look at children and say with surprise, “Oh my god how much she / he’s grown!”
• You use strange language like “yo”, “s’up” and “muaaah” which you may have heard teenagers using.
• You have trouble understanding status updates / comments / text messages of teenagers and need to find out what rofl, lmao, np, OMG, lol etc mean.
• Huge hunks double your size address you as “aunty” or “uncle”.
• You are sensitive to age related jokes, information and articles and therefore have been going through this list and making mental ticks and crosses. Then my dear, you most certainly are middle-aged.

But c’mon there’s no need to fret. Everyone’s gonna get there sooner or later. It’s only that you wish to reach it later rather than sooner. In any case, age is after all just a number. So chin up and be like Sophia Loren who at 75 said, “I am still waiting to grow up!”